we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
