I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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