She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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