Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
