Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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