I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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