That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
