I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
