Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
