I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
