I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
