I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
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She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
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Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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