There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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