How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
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