i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
