I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
