I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
