I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
