I just pynch a tree in the face
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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