i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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