Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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