I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
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