I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
