I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Randomize
