smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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