I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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