I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
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