right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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