God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
