Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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