Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
