did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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