oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I need to sanitize my soul.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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