I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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