I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
