we're chasing vodka with high fives
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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