Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
