we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
