After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
