Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
