I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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