hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
he thought i was a dude.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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