My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
