i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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