i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
