Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
