my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
