He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
