Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
