yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
So vagazzling was a success
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
