While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
