Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Fuck me I smell like cheese
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
