He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
