i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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