So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
