some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
