I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
