just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
