I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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