I bet he comes in French.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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