if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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